How I lost my intuition

I got stuck when I lost my intuition.   

I used to be extremely intuitive. Yet, I’ve spent hundreds of hours and dollars on coaching over the past five years trying to reconnect to my intuition so I could get unstuck and use it to create my own path. There is some sort of irony in that.  

We all have intuition. It is the soft murmuring in our core that guides us towards the decisions and actions that are best for us. It is a feeling in our bodies. It is a sense of calm knowing and conviction, and the absence of stress, tension or anxiety. 

Let me say this again for those in the back, we all have intuition. We just can’t always hear it loudly enough or we choose to ignore it. 

 Back to me as an intuitive kid. I was 13 when I went to Washington, DC for the first time. I knew immediately that I wanted to go to college in DC. I spent the next four years following my intuition with relentless zeal. I focused my college search on schools in the DC area. I found opportunities to visit the city again and again. I wore my Georgetown University sweatshirt until it had holes in it. I eventually enrolled at George Washington University, the perfect home for my college experience. 

Fast forward to a few years after graduation, and I was itching to find a way to move back to Africa after studying abroad in South Africa a few years earlier. I applied for two programs, was accepted into one in Cape Town and sent in my acceptance  within a day. I didn’t use a pros and cons list. I didn’t analyze what it would do for my future career prospects. It felt right and I went for it. 

So when and how did I lose my intuition? As so many of us do, I became distracted by the practical expectations that come as we get older. My mind started to overpower my intuition. 

I went to business school with big dreams of running a social enterprise. I was going to take leadership classes, learn my way around a spreadsheet and go immediately back into the social sector. Instead, I got swept up in the consulting craze. 

I still remember the exact moment in the fall of 2014 when I lost my intuition. I was having coffee (a potent cold brew at the La Colombe in Greenwich Village, that’s how vivid this memory is) with a friend at the consulting firm that had just made  me a full-time job offer. My friend  was trying to convince me to sign. I sat there with dread in my stomach. I had worked at the firm for the summer and yes, I had learned a lot, but I also barely slept, ate or talked to my family. 

The dread was my intuition screaming “no, this isn’t the right choice” but I was enamored by the salary! the professional growth! the exit opportunities! It all seemed so practical. Like the logical next step when you have an MBA. I signed my offer a few days later. 

Fast forward a few years later to 2017, I was standing next to a printer about to sign the offer letter for another consulting firm. This time, instead of dread, I felt empty. There was no excitement, no spark. I had spent the previous few years over-powering everything my body told me so I could power through exhausting work weeks. As a result, I couldn’t feel anything my intuition was telling me. That was enough of a hint that this wasn’t the right next step for me. But, I signed anyway. 

I let my mind override my intuition again and again. It drove me into a self-perpetuating cycle of burnout. Yes, I grew professionally. I was promoted and then promoted again. My LinkedIn and bank account looked good, but I didn’t feel good. Responding to client emails felt like pushing a boulder up a hill. I had to gather up strength to review my team’s powerpoints.

I was stuck. I knew something had to change.